I read this article about communication/conversation in Fast Company over the weekend and thought it was insightful. It’s fascinating that while the title is about the “the way you talk,” the real science of these communication techniques are more about “the way you listen.”
The article has its own fancy headers for each of the 5 techniques, but I’m going to tease them here as “The 5 Ls” so they’re easier to remember:
LEVELING: Listen to how the other person is talking to you and match it. Is it social, practical, or emotional? Level your words, tone and body language to match the other people in the conversation.
LEARNING: Ask them some deep questions. It doesn’t have to be “why are we here?” type of philosophical questions, but simpler things such as “what do you think about it?” or “what do you want to do next?”
LAUGHING: Experiments showed that people get along better when their levels of laughter matched one another, even if the spoken words were the same. Laughter, when present, creates a strong bond. When it’s missing from one person it creates a divide.
LOOPING: This is essentially a technique in listening where you repeat the message from the other person back before giving your reply. When done correctly (meaning, it’s not forced or robotic) it can be helpful in both making a connection and in clarifying the other person’s point. Even if you don’t agree with the other person it shows you were listening and understood them.
LABELING: We often hear the word “labeling” as a bad thing, lumped in with either pre-judging someone or limiting their view of things to a smaller scope. But in conversation, sometimes it’s helpful to understand perspective. The article’s author gives a simple example in saying he is “an author, a dad, a runner, and a California resident” among other things. These are identities that can help understand, even if we don’t necessarily agree.
Remember that communication isn’t always about agreement. At its root communication and conversation are about sending and receiving messages.
These five techniques can help ensure you and those you’re communicating with are on the same page.
Credit to Charles Duhigg, author of ‘Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection,’ for the information in the original Fast Company article.