Everyone loves a good headline. A real hook, line, and sinker piece of juicy bait to pull you in.
And nobody does headlines better than a tabloid newspaper.
I saw a crazy news story today (a legit story, it seems) about a 34-year-old Vietnamese man who had the very unfortunate experience of a foot-long eel crawling up his ass.
Now I’m just gonna insert this little line break here to let that mental image marinate in your brain for an extra beat. For what it’s worth, one article referred to the serpentine little fella as “wriggling” inside the man’s body.
The sea creature, as the New York Post called it, had to be surgically removed through his abdomen. This story was covered by a bunch of different news outlets. I saw it in my Google News feed under the “Health” section, ironically.
Now, here’s where I run even farther off-course than I’ve already gone.
Let’s start with some basic questions, such as “WTF?????” and “WTactualF???”
Those were my first responses. And then I remembered the gerbilling trend back in the 1990s. Remember the rumor that floated around that Richard Gere shoved a tube up his ass and let a gerbil run up there, only to need an ER doctor to pull it out? Was this ever proven? That just seems like something that would’ve required documentation if true. Anyway, so it turns out gerbilling was a thing. A fetish. I’m gonna go so far as to say a crime. I can’t even defend it — I feel bad for the gerbils. And you know people didn’t stop at gerbils. It’s amazing to think how it even escalated to those. “Hey, Leo, that field mouse I shoved through my sphincter isn’t really doing it for me. What do you think would be better?” “Well, Bob, maybe try an otter. Or an elk. Or you could play it safe with a gerbil at first.”
Horrifying to think about how far through the animal kingdom some dudes went before either ending up in the ER or realizing they’ve hit rock bottom — physically, emotionally, sexually…
But at least we now have an established platform that guys have been shoving things up their asses for as long as guys have had asses. For better or for worse.
Now back to our Vietnamese friend.
A foot-long eel somehow slithered through his anus, into the rectum, and then up into his colon. That’s apparently where the mission was aborted and the guy went to the hospital complaining of a tummy-ache. No shit.
And I read a bunch of the articles written about this. NOBODY asked him why a 12-inch goddam eel ended up in his body rump-first. Where the hell are Woodward and Bernstein when you really need them?
All’s well that ends well and the guy seems to be no worse for the wear. Dr Hung at the Hai Ha Medical Center (THIS IS ALL TRUE… I CAN’T MAKE THIS UP!) said he’ll be just fine. Probably just needs to rub some dirt on it, walk it off, take two pills, etc. etc. I’m sure he’ll be fine, pending outcomes of a few likely infections from, you know, an eel being all up in his booty. Nothing some quality antibiotics can’t control. Ahhh, modern living.
Now here’s the fun part — as if you haven’t been having fun already — and the real reason I wanted to write about this.
The headlines about this story ran the gamut from traditional newsy to shock value. Here are some examples:
But as I mentioned before, no one scrapes the bottom of the barrel with solid headlines like a classic trolling tabloid.
The Daily Mail slid onto the scene (see what I did there?) with this beauty:
“EEL FEEL THAT IN THE MORNING”
I don’t think I’ve ever liked a headline more. Including some of the ones I’ve written and subsequently gave myself a celebratory little nudge on the arm in self-appreciation like Anthony Michael Hall in The Breakfast Club after he authored the group’s Saturday detention essay.
Sometimes when you hit a game-winner you just know it. You slow-trot around the bases enjoying the moment. Let in sink in. Feel the warmth of the glow around you.
I hope the Editor or headline writer of the Daily Mail is sitting somewhere today giggling and proud of himself or herself. They successfully made light of a serious, albeit bizarro, topic.
Hey, if you want all-serious-all-the-time switch to The New York Times or something. For those of us who want to be lured in and caught off-guard, I’ll get my world news from the tabloids.
Lastly, I’ll leave you with this after what’s undoubtedly the worst article I’ve posted to this blog site in a couple years. The photo from the news story. I hope it doesn’t make your stomach turn. It’s eely disgusting.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go empty my browser history and search history. It’s feeling a little unsettling after Googling “gerbilling”.
Behold, the Serpent of Saigon.